Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.

   I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things

   I dont know what it is about sex that has me panting afterwards. Maybe its the physical exertion, complex techniques, age... or could just be inflating the darn blow up doll every single time!

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles over and over..

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

   Based on my Netflix recommendations I'm either a serial killer or chef

   me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog?

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like "Wow, She's so light." and "Is she even in here?"

   Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun

   Need a math nerd to solve problem:I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch

   I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

   people who work at Amazon fulfillment centers should put their job status as "professional boxer"

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.

   Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.

   Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway