Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 627 of 6382
Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.
1f y0u c4n r34d 7H15 7h3n c0n6r47ul4710n5! Y0u h4v3 D3pr35510n
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12-19-2018 07:00
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When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!
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12-18-2018 22:45 by Moon
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Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.
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12-18-2018 22:26
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An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.
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12-18-2018 21:51
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By my calculations, the entire national debt could be retired, if the impeachment trial was Pay-Per-View. š§
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12-18-2018 12:47
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If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.
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12-18-2018 10:09 by Moon
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In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu ā and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot heād taught to fire a gun.
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12-18-2018 06:08
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Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.
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12-17-2018 20:03
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I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.
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12-17-2018 16:25 by RobTheMan
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You need XX chromosomes to be a female of any species. Miss Spain has XY chromosomes which makes him a male. No surgery or cosmetics can change that fact.
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12-17-2018 14:49
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So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.
Iād like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We canāt afford a Lexus!"
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12-17-2018 09:51
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When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.
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12-17-2018 07:37
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The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.
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12-17-2018 07:31
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Iām going to write a modern Christmas song called ābaby is cold outsideā itās the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat
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12-17-2018 05:57
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Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.
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12-17-2018 01:49 by Joker
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Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????
Donāt tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You donāt know me.
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12-16-2018 09:39
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