Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has been thinking that people cheat on there wife all the time, but you never cheat on your mistress... thats just wrong

   being 39 and after 20 years of living with my mother never understood what she meant by..."boys piss in the toliet" when we thought we were......Until NOW that I have a boy to clean after........GEZZZZZZZZ........

   Today is the shortest day of the year. Can't wait for tomorrow when the days begin to get longer once again!

   giving up Status Updates for lent

   Don't get your hopes up. Santa has about as much of a chance of bringing "Hope and Change" as a clown does.

   would like to see things your way, but unfortunately can't stick my head that far up my arse

   Dont steal, the government doesnt like competition

   Drugs have taught an entire generation of canadian kids the metric system!

   Christmas is the time of year when we want our pasts forgotten and our presents remembered!

   heard that Elin is filing for divorce. In the filing, the reason listed was "irreconcilable waitresses".

   Bummer about Yahoo losing market share. You can read more about it at Google News.

   Anyone know about how much Santa weighs ... I am currently setting a trap and need some info.

   - Jesus saves. Moses gets the puck. He shoots! HE SCORES!!!!

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   and Alcohol ended their relationship.

   It only takes me ONE beer to get drunk: Not sure if it's the 8th or 9th one tho.

   says Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back!

   Why does a good Christian fear death and why do we mourn the dead, if they are going to a much better place?

   After all these years It finally hit me why Prison/Jail is called "The Pokey"

   "Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.