Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   here to remind you to help control the golfer population. Have your tiger spayed or neutered.

   good one Tim. Though, I think the original was better yesterday morning.

   just saw a Prius with that brake problem. It was barreling down the road at speeds exceeding 35 MPH.

   thinks if Bear Grylls would have been in the garden of eden he would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

   saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"

   It's whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!

   I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!

   Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

   Why did someone make a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group on facebook??

   doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.

   I wonder if Asians throw rice at a Chinese wedding?

   better to have a "bottle in front of me" than a "frontal lobotomy"

   the definition of Door: What my dog is perpetually on the wrong side of!

   Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

   •You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

   •When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   •Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

   •Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

   Use this for•The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.