Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life's a B****, but she throws one hell of a party

   learned not to leave the KY next to the Preparation H on the bedside table. When they say it shrinks the swelling...they AREN'T kidding!! Talk about a buzzkill!

   According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

   I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm

   If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look similar to this: 57 Asians; 21 Europeans; 14 from the Western Hemisphere; 8 Africans; 52 would be female;

   confused.His left part of his brain has nothing right in it and the right part of his brain has nothing left in it

   I order the club sandwich all the time. I'm not even a member. I dunno how I get away with it.

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

   ..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...

   typing in sick so she will not have a status today

   It's been 120 days and guess who is still sober ? Ted Kennedy

   wants a snuggie made out of shamwows

   STATUS, coming to a wall near you!

   reminds you that you will never hear her repeating gossip. So you better be sure to pay attention the first time.

   looking for people to go into the future with me. You'll get paid after we get back; we will be fighting legions upon legions of super intelligent apes. Must bring your own weapons, safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once. Bring bananas!

   a few days ago, started using a new deodorant. The instructions read, "remove cap and push up bottom". Now he can barely walk, but when he breaks wind, the room smells awesome.

   thinks it would be easy for all the asians that are changing their profile pictures for It's "Doppelgänger Week" on Facebook, because they could all just change it to Jackie Chan... God knows they all lookalike..

   just had the worse sex of my life..... opps I forgot you were on my friends list.

   It's "Doppelbanger Week" on Facebook. Change your profile pic to naked pic of yourself and my partner will get back to you with an address.

   ..is working on her bad intentions since the road to Hell is paved with good ones.