Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't need to go to the gym, he gets enough exercises by pushing his luck, jumping into conclusions and letting his mind run wild!!!

   Dear Santa, Define Good. Love X

   read a Chinese newspaper at lunch. After I was done, I felt the need to read another newspaper.

   the airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength will begin exactly at 8.00 p.m tommorrow...........dont forget to shine your pole..........

   Washington D.C. got a ton of snow last weekend. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done. You know, sort of like when it's not snowing.

   in 2013 i'm gonna watch 2012 and laugh

   wants to remind you that we only have to be good for one more day.

   I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your get your ugly yellow no good kester off my property, before I pump your gust full of led 1....2.... 10

   To America's welfare recipients..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas"...from the rest of us hard working Americans that work for hard your well being every day.  

   i wonder why, I never wondered why the easiest things are so hard

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.

   poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

   Dont sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things

   If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? - You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

   hated it when old aunts and uncles used to come up to him at weddings, poke him in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.