Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   forgive your enemys nothing pisses them off more

   note to self for next Christmas..... don't leave deer jerky out for Santa - cookies are a better choice...

   wishes there was a relationship status that says "not in a relationship, but is not single. Its complicated."

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Santa is like a repair man, says he will be there between 12 and 4 and shows up at 5. What a jerk

   Ok, so now I have my coal in the pressure cooker....How long will this take?

   says, forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

   outsmarted Santa this year... see I need coal to heat my house, so I was extra bad so I would get more coal! Now who's laughing fat guy?

   thinks businesses that make their employees work on Christmas day are from the devil! Except for the gas stations and all of the other businesses I'm going to need today.... those ones are sent from God!

   You keep Evolving, I'll keep Believing.

   Its Jesus' birthday yet..... we're the ones getting the gifts.....How about that.

   thank you for the thousands and thousands of reminders letting me know what today is. Good job Thanks!! Keep me posted!

   You keep Believing, I'll keep Evolving.

   I think I overdosed on my family.....Santa has the right idea....only visit some ppl once a year.....

   Christ's Hope Rescuing Iniquitous Souls To Miraculously Administer Salvation!!! Thank God for Christmas!!!!

   The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli...

   If you can't figure out what to get someone for Christmas, get them a gift card! It's like saying, "Here's $20... go get your own damn gift!"

   wishing God Almighty a happy birthday! They grow up so fast!

   Money cant buy happiness, but at least I can pick my own misery.

   pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled "Tiger's 18 Favorite Holes", and the damn thing is about GOLF!!