Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a new car for my spouse it was a great trade!

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

   curiosity didn't kill the cat ....... my car did!

   Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.

   According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."

   found the woman of his dreams, and as soon as the restraining order is lifted....he'll have her panties to prove it.

   heading out to tease the birds in the park and feed breadcrumbs at his/her self

   wants a "people you may find attractive and would hook up with" section on facebook. it'd make things so much easier.

   now has the plans for his deck and about to go get the lumber! Does anyone know where I can pick up some illegal aliens to come build it?

   says, I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.

   ...thinks the "vamps" in Twilight and New Moon look like a cross between The Cure & NSYNC..ooohh..such shiny white fangs too!

   when everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

   ..if people say they're "as honest as the day is long" does that mean they become less truthful in the winter?

   can no longer play Scrabble. Turns out he has Irritable Vowel Syndrome...

   found an alien, gave it some roofies, now I'm gonna probe it then stick back where I found it! Maybe it'll tell stories of being abducted!

   told by someone that swimming will get you in shape ......IF THAT IS THE CASE SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WHALES ARE SO effin FAT !?!?

   Can't get over the irony that they actually serve milk at "Hooters"

   gonna miss those cool New Years glasses where the two middle frames are the "O's"

   "Pocahontas" + "Iron Man" + "Surrogates" + "The Last Samurai" = Avatar

   Why is my flashlight always a case for holding dead batteries....