Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

   My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.

   The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.

   Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"

   i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

   I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

   90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

   Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

   youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”