Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 621 of 6446

Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"
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08-25-2019 16:25
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I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
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08-25-2019 16:23
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othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.
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08-25-2019 16:21
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Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"
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08-25-2019 16:20
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i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio
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08-25-2019 16:18
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"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
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08-25-2019 16:18
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Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
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08-25-2019 16:18
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i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die
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08-25-2019 16:18
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I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
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08-25-2019 16:17
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We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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08-25-2019 16:15
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I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.
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08-25-2019 16:14
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No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
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08-25-2019 16:14
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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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08-25-2019 16:13
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The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
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08-25-2019 16:12
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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08-25-2019 16:12
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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08-25-2019 15:50
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.
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08-25-2019 15:49
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I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
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08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis
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