Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

   I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

   90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

   Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

   youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   airline: will you be checking your bags, sir me: again? I did that three times at home

   Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.

   I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.

   That horseshoe has NO LUCK!

   Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

   Best moment to sleep: 10% - in the evening. 90% - in the morning.

   These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.

   That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.