Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It will snow. Fine. This is not a reason to panic. Tesco will not run out of food before you starve so don't go shopping like a twat, if you're unsure whether to drive then just don't ok. Ever. Sell your damn car and get on a bus. And please don't ring th

   Sick of all these crap diets on tv here is the best 1 for ya stop shovelling junk food in ya trap

   doesn't know the key to success, but definitely knows that the key to failure is to try to please everyone

   Britain: The only nation that runs more efficiently through a world war than through a snow storm.

   on itunes below "Party in the USA" by Miley Cryus, it said "Listeners who bought this also enjoyed, 'Sounds of People Farting into a Mic."

   almost killed today when she fell off a horse. Thank god the Kmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time!!

   fighting for world peace...one beer at a time.

   you wouldnt know where your heading until your know where you have being !

   global warming my ass.

   Snow: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   I am only ONE, but still I AM ONE. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I can't do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do =)

   wondering how she can go forward when she doesn't know which way she's facing

   at the crossroads of life and has taken the road less traveled........only because of my stupid "Tom-Tom" those GPS devises can be very irritating sometimes.

   really doesn't get the underwear bomber...i mean even if the bomb works there are gonna be 72 very disappointed virgins

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   I know Gilbert Arenas likes to shoot, but this is ridiculous!

   whats everybody worried about with Gilbert Arenas...its not like he can shoot anymore!

   Dear Facebook, You appear to be on girls' minds at least 10 times a day. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated