Funny Status Messages

   If you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Melania Trump, don't open it. It might be spam. And if you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Kamala Harris, don't open it. It might be nude pictures of Kamala Harris.

   Sometimes, I'd like to give it all up and become a hook-nosed Joo

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.

   Girlfriend

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

   If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

   I wonder if the police let Luigi Mangione finish his Happy Meal...

   I'm starting to suspect that they print "EZ Open Package" on stuff just to make us all feel stupid.

   Why do people say, "Tuna fish sandwich"? Nobody says, "Chicken Bird Sandwich".

   If you think religion is harmless fairy tales. Try typing "youth pasture" in Google

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.

   Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

   Keep it up and you'll be a strange smell in my attic.

   Just checked my bank account. And it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   When the moon in your eye is at just 6:25, It's December.

   The moment you think I'm stupid, I've already outsmarted you.

   Nothing like a hot bowl of beef stew on a cold, smowy night.

   My high school math teacher died today. Feeling depressed, I never got to tell him he was wrong. I never used algebra, asshole!