Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in....

   trying to apply for a Unicorn Hunting License for the state of Nebraska....but I guess they were out..........................

   I don't know how to do my own taxes, but I CAN name the brand of cereal just by hearing it being poured into a bowl in the other room

   wonders why it is "cool" to throw up the PEACE sign in pictures? You look retarded with your head twisted to the side and holding up the peace sign...

   Damn!!!...If you gonna be two faced, girl, at least make one of them look pretty...!!!!!

   so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!

   "Milk-a-what?"

   knows that when Jack Bauer rips a lamp off the wall, it's time to guard your nipples.

   I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   In the end, I will remember not the words of my enemies, but the silence of my friends.

   Stix and stones may break my bones but this shovel can knock you the f**k out!!!!!

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   U know what I hate? Those DAMN "push 2 wash" sinks in public restrooms! UGHHHHhhh what's the purpose?! They only stay on for bout 2.5 seconds IF THAT, then you gotta hold it & wash 1 hand, & switch, and BAMMM you got more germs than you started with!

   wishing I could invade my neighbors farms and take over their land in Farmville.

   just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.