Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

   If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

   [at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

   Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

   I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

   My alarm clock is set to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can turn it off and sleep more.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

   Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.

   its never too late to go back to bed.

   I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good

   *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

   When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.

   Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

   millennial: I wish for death boomer genie: did you say debt millennial: no boomer genie: too late