Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good

   *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

   When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.

   Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

   millennial: I wish for death boomer genie: did you say debt millennial: no boomer genie: too late

   I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.

   Donald Trump announces huge border wall with Canada to prevent Melania from pouncing on Justin Trudeau.

   My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

   How you all like the new page?

   Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.

   Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.

   My favorite way to ruin a romantic evening is by coming out of the bathroom naked and singing Love Boat until the waiter asks us to leave.

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities

   This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.

   People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.