Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   A RECENT POLICE STUDY FOUND THAT YOU'RE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO GET SHOT BY A FAT COP IF YOU RUN....

   Douchenozzles flock to the internet for the simple reason that whatever stupid crap they can get away with online would earn them a cap in the a$$ in real life.

   evaluating your profile to maximize chances of a long term friendship

   I'm waiting for my marriage license to expire because I'm not going to renew

   is thinking whether to open facebook or textbook......wonder what`s he gonna do..

   knows he just got screwed but can`t remember where and how...??

   I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   the man your man could smell like.

   Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?

   if you're gonna be a smart ass, atleast try not to look dumb.

   The Playboy Channel accidentally aired on 2 kids networks. Kids were shocked to learn just how much “exploring” Dora was into

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... I CAME, I SAW & I CONQUERED... MY WORK HERE IS DONE... NOW PUT THAT ON MY RESUME!!

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   coming down with a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!

   When one person suffers from delusion, it is called insanity.When many people suffer from delusion, it is called religion....

   will be weed smoking and turkey pulling this weekend... oops! reverse those verbs!

   just pressed her refresh button, but still feels dirty.