Funny Status Messages

   My buddy was playing a drinking game where he’d take a shot of whiskey every time Trump lies. His funeral is Tuesday.

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   Five years ago today, Barack Obama wore a tan suit, the biggest scandal in presidential history (rolling eyes back).

   So what happened to Oscar the Grouch if you overslept on trash day?

   So why did poor Sally sell seashells on the seashore when anyone could just walk along the beach and pick them up for free?

   It's a good thing Peter Parker was bitten by a spider on his arm rather than his ass. Otherwise he would blow a spiderweb out of his butthole every time he farted.

   I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.

   I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years

   Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet

   All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets math

   My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

   At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

   If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

   [at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

   Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

   I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

   My alarm clock is set to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can turn it off and sleep more.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.