Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!

   The economy must be bad. I just saw Micheal J Fox working at Home Depot. He was in the paint department.

   Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   I just know my co-workers will be really surprised when they find the Easter Eggs I left them in their office........ in the far right corner........ behind the file cabinet marked records from 1989.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   My Mom texted me, "What does IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?" I answered, "I don't know, love you, and talk to you later." She said, "Ok I'll ask your sisters."

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!