Funny Status Messages

   I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.

   My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

   Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

   If we make impeachment pay-per-view, we can clear the entire national debt.

   I hate to tell you "I told you so" but... no, actually I'm gonna tell you that till the day I die!

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

   [on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

   Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

   "I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"

   Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years Me: My driving test went really badly

   The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

   Not having a sexx life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

   Throw away an avocado skin? In this economy? *makes avocado skin suits. *sells them on Etsy.

   My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you. In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

   If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

   "I AM A WARRIOR" Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.

   7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait

   * asks plastic surgeon " can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?"