Funny Status Messages

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   Oh, Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning..Oh, Doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling? OK.. Thompson Twins I am going to say no if you are taking a piss!

   letdown. Crop circles just don't have the same mystique in backyard grass. (mood: disappointed)

   ...Broken nose, bust lip, teeth knocked, black eye..but she started it so f**k her

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   There's a first time for everything.......Except deja vu.

   some kid told me that my "Picture is under Idiot in the Dictionary" I put on a medieval face and replied "It's better then the obituary!!"

   supposed to cross the street with the skeleton. But he didn't have the guts

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   saw the best T-shirt EVER today: "Who the hell needs Hooters when you've got BALLS?" Win.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   They told me to think outside the box....I just learned this did not mean I could leave the box.

   whip it ! whip it real good !

   do kids in china push in there eyes and say "haha I'm American"?

   a man with flaws, a failure at success, no superhero, neither rich nor poor. I am, however a good father and a happy person. that'll do pig. that'll do.

   Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."

   Alcohol induced dreams make for all sorts of entertainment.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   there is a great need for sarcasm font.