Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a toga today.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt

   Back before clocks and calendars I bet people used wonder why one day out of seven always sucked

   I Dont know what annoys be worse?!! The viral fake group chain messages I get in my FB inbox or the Fact that some of you Dummies respond to them like your gonna get a Reply Back!!!

   THE lOHANS ARE BETTER THAN ANY FAKE REALLITY SHOW!!

   Thank You Mr. Edible Underwear Maker: You combined two of mans favorite things Panties and Food. They're a snack, they're underwear, they're a snack AND underwear. Brilliant! Nothing says, "I want you" like a mouthful of underpants!!!!

   Men..can't live with them..can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors getting suspicious.

   It is hard to believe someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in their place.

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   What did the blonde get on the I.Q. test? Nail varnish.

   What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick it's bill up it's arse.

   went undrafted again, despite a solid 40 and great hands!!

   so smart she makes smart people feel retarded.

   my son informed me this morning that they no longer call it "Old School". It's now known as "Lame". If he wasn't my kid, I'd have thrown my Walkman at him....

   How come when a man doesn't shave for a few days, it's considered "sexy stubble" but when a woman doesn't shave for a few days it's "disgusting or looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock"?

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)

   ...is wondering if some other horse went all "Tonya Harding" on former Derby favorite Eskendereya...