Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window. I told him, "You did a good job, but it's actually supposed to go in like this." I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window. There i

   My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.

   Rise up against E.D. The Erectial Disfuction epedemic should not be taken softly...

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   For some reason, I'm encouraged to find and marry an international escort too.

   Hey, do you think the next Rocky movie will have a fight scene in the cafeteria over the thermostat?

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.

   if your PC gets a virus from a porn site, is that a STD for computers?

   Amazon is on fire? That’s not going to mess up my Prime 2 day shipping… is it?

   Feeling cute...might buy a goalie mask and go camping later...I dunno. #FridayThe13th.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....

   Shoutout to all my friends who never liked comment or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you could do me a little favor and like this one status so I know you're still alive out and actually give a damn what I post that would be awesome.

   I grew up living paycheck to Paycheck but through hard work and perseverance, I now live Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.

   In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything