Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 604 of 6446

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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09-22-2019 07:21
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You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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09-21-2019 08:19
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Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
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09-21-2019 08:17
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I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
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09-21-2019 08:16
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Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.
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09-21-2019 01:01
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I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.
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09-20-2019 15:42
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A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".
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09-20-2019 15:32
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New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2
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09-20-2019 15:31
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"I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.
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09-20-2019 15:31
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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09-20-2019 15:31
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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09-20-2019 11:03
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[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late
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09-19-2019 08:17
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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09-19-2019 08:17
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Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.
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09-19-2019 05:59
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The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..
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09-19-2019 04:44 by Joe
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I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point
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09-18-2019 15:38
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My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.
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09-18-2019 14:39
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My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.
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09-18-2019 08:09
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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09-18-2019 08:08
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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09-18-2019 08:07
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