Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...

   Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.

   It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...

   I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer is a fat bald man and Marge has blue hair.”

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   Raise the age to buy guns? What this country really needs to do is raise the age of puberty.

   A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

   KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

   filled the lip gloss with crazy glue, it is gonna be a quiet and peaceful week for sure.

   your first Baby's father doesnt count. that was just checking if you can have kids

   Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine

   Okay buddy if you want to sit behind me and honk your horn for waving someone ahead of me at four-way stop sign then I think I'll do the polite thing and wave the next five cars on while I update my current status.

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.

   Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.

   So a robot can't figure out which of these pitcures contain a stop sign but anyway we are letting them drive big trucks?

   A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

   So PETA is putting down pet cats and recruiting hot babes to protest naked...I guess I need to take the protest against them to a new level.

   How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?