Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

   Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".

   New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

   the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

   [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..

   I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point

   My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.

   My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.

   Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

   My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

   Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.