Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The tag "in bed" that makes fortune cookies so funny, makes Mother's Day cards creepy. Just sayin' (uncle Bill!).

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told the class to sit Indian style. So I grabbed a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in gutter

   I used to go out with a homeless girl. It was great because after sex I could just drop her off anywhere

   NOTE TO SELF: Don't forget to NOT to discuss your personal life on FB. And pick up rash cream..........

   Tiger withdraws from the golf tournament due to a neck injury, I bet he could sure use a swedish massage.

   I would say Happy Mothers Day on this, but my mom doesn't have a Facebook so it wouldn't matter.

   Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters

   Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a helpful lizard putting a city back together and leaving afterwards.

   been to the dark side...they lied about the candy

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   A mother my have a thousand daughters but a daughter has only one mother

   A woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right.... But she is more often left.

   when you go out drinking tonight don't forget to wish all the milfs at the bar a happy mothers day.

   think wisely before you open ur mouth!!

   Anybody can be a mother...and too many have no kids...and aren't women...so I wish you a Happy Mommy's Day!

   There's only one perfect child in the world; and every mother has it! Happy Mother's Day

   In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

   Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.