Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually

   Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is Salad!!

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!!