Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?

   My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.

   In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to

   Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.

   Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change

   Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   Greta brought to you by who eles used blonde hair girls with braids

   Climate control advise from a bar tender and a 16 year old with issues

   Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~

   I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.

   Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   "why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie

   Me: This spaghetti is spicy. Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

   Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.