Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   What where Abe Lincoln's first words after he woke up from a three day bender? " I FREED WHO?"

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   according to VH1 calling women's boobs chesticles makes me undateable.what a bummer

   I find it funny when people mention 'boys toys' I think of gadgets, cars, consoles. But when they mention 'womens toys' I think of vibrators, nipple clamps and whips

   Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)

   I download illegally simply because I simply don't want to pay for stuff

   why are all black men fast??..... because all the slow ones are in prison

   wondering if anyone else thinks that the new Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan looks like Paul Blart in the "Mall Cop" movie?

   dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.

   Making lunches for my kids I spotted some mold on the block of cheese and was about to throw it away. My mom stopped me and told me to scrape it off. "They won't even notice... just like you never did." Mom is no longer allowed in the kitchen....EVER..!

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   living in a van down by the river

   when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vajajay" I knew I was at home.

   so horny that i'm turned on by the crack of dawn

   busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

   When you have more moochers and looters (ppl who live off the government) than you do producers (working taxpayers), be prepared for your country to fall!!