SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   Ugh. Sometimes I just can't help f***ing up. I don't need an angel on my shoulder I need an etiquette instructor with a cattle prod.

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   If I were working 4 the turkey bacon industry I would put a giant pig sculpture made entirely out of turkey bacon in Times Square.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.

   My friend said nacho cheese dip isn't an authentic dish to bring to this Oktoberfest party, so I guess I'll draw some swastikas on the jar?

   It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.

   I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now, I just shuffle along with the lost.

   Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.

   Screw it, I'm answering any and all questions today with "As you wish".

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?

   Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"

   If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.

   Listening to a Spanish female duet in a Greek restaurant. It's confusing to me and all these Koreans.

   I have found that the best earmuffs are the inside of a women's thighs.