Baddie Funny Status Messages

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Romney spent $800m to not be president. I spent nothing for the same result. Who's the better business man now?

   Sometimes I think lonely and crazy go hand in hand.

   I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!