Snotty Funny Status Messages

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

   One small step for man... One giant leap for Danny DeVito.

   I just microwaved a Hot Pocket all the way through on the 1st try,,, So I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone needs anything.

   People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.