Sean Funny Status Messages

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...

   Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

   Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.

   Thought I was watching a commercial for Grand Theft Auto 5... Turns out I was watching CNN's reporting on Ferguson riots...

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.