Michael Funny Status Messages

   Being that we can't see the Bin Ladin Video... can we reroll the Bill an Monica video.

   offensive and creative like handicap porn…

   President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

   I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews

   It's March 4th. I like today's date because it's like I'm telling people what to do.

   A BYU basketball player dismissed for premarital sex. I knew mormons were not supposed to have coffee or tea. I had no idea Tang was off limits

   So after watching the hilarious interview I feel closer to Charlie Sheen because have a lot in common. Tiger blood and Adonis DNA..

   Quit while you're ah

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.

   More people die of car accidents with a Deer than getting killed by terrorists. Maybe we should have them put on the al qaeda watch list.

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   ‎79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....

   If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.