LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   While getting dressed this morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.

   Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

   When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?

   DNS FAILURE: Facebook is down which means 9 months from today, many children will be born.

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?