Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   This driving test is going terribly.

   I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   I'm sorry, but since when did an unmarried minority couple naming their baby something stupid become news?

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”