Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

   They are choosing a man over the country. That isn't patriotism. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

   Funniest thing about all of this is the fact that some people still stick up for him.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   If only he listened to his wife's "be best" campaign, then he wouldn't be in that predicament he's in now.

   Let me guess. The whistleblower is un patriotic because he was doing what he thought is right for the country, not blind loyalty.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

   Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?