Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 599 of 6446

Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
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09-25-2019 15:59
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My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
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09-25-2019 15:59
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An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."
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09-25-2019 15:58
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If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!
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09-25-2019 15:56
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my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”
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09-25-2019 15:56
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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09-25-2019 15:54
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
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09-25-2019 15:53
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.
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09-25-2019 15:53
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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09-25-2019 15:51
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"Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks
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09-25-2019 15:50
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Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.
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09-25-2019 15:47
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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09-25-2019 15:46
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.
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09-25-2019 15:46
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
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09-25-2019 15:45
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My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
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09-25-2019 15:44
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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09-25-2019 15:43
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Mercury is in gatorade or whatever
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09-25-2019 15:43
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If we make impeachment pay-per-view, we can clear the entire national debt.
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09-25-2019 13:40
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I hate to tell you "I told you so" but... no, actually I'm gonna tell you that till the day I die!
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09-25-2019 13:34
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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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09-25-2019 13:11
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