Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   The cops came to my house earlier saying that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, my dog doesn't have a bike

   you can pick your friends....you can pick your nose.......but you can't pick your friend's nose!

   ....yup....I definately had asparagus last night!!!

   It may be a sign we're winning the war on terror when the Taliban take credit for a guy who tried to make a bomb out of fireworks...

   The unrest in Iran makes me proud to live in a country where corrupt politicians are smart enough to keep rigged elections close...

   (Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Theres Always That One Lil Bird That Likes To Hang Right Outside My Bedroom Window At Aprox 5am -(Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Like Doesnt He Have a Worm To Go Catch or Maybe a Car To Sh!t On????

   A lie is just a great story somebody ruined with the truth.

   I don't hate the police but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

   ♥ uʍop ǝpıısdn pןɹoʍ ʎɯ uɹnʇ noʎ ♥

   I bet Quagmire has tons of child support to pay.

   There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care

   I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom.

   Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

   wonders if anyone has ever fallen asleep at the keyboard and crashed into the monitor....Do they have insurance for that????

   Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.

   ... Wireless world. Defense technology. Alternative fuel vehicles. Computers. Lasers. Animal cloning. Fiber optics. DNA testing. Biometrics. But the dang scanners at Target never work. What's up with that?

   drinking shots with Miley Cyrus! Hope she dosent make a song about it.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge. lol