Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..

   A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

   likes waking up after a nap and finding out theres a whole night to go with that kinky dream!"

   "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls."

   Can I have your phone number, so I can call you the next time I have a 4 hour erection?

   pretty drowsy......he's pretty sure he has a nap for that....

   "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"

   Definition of stupid; person who locks their keys in the car...and it takes them an hour to get their family out.

   ...easy there, don't cry, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes...take your parents for example

   I'm not feeling myself today... anyone else wanna try?

   Since practice makes perfect, I must thank my parents for not givin' up on the first try. :)

   preparing for confession. Anyone have an unused condom?

   "Money cannot buy you happiness but id rather cry in my ferrari...."

   Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   - I heard my mates's girlfriend say to him..."You'd be fitter if you exercised you lazy f**k".....I could't help myself interrupting and said to her...."You'd be a lot f**kin fitter if you were your sister"....

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

   The tip of the day: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!

   is surprised that some group of backwoods pudknockers hasn't yet blamed President Obama for CAUSING the BP oil leak in the Gulf.

   wonders how exactly does one wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy?