Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates it when people use the drive thru ATM for anything more than making a withdrawl.. do your damn deposits inside

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   I disliked Obama before it was cool.......Yes I did!

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the cl!toris is

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   Time to go foot race the homeless man again! If he wins I give him $50. He's got faster since I first started doin this

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   Create me a phone that, when I get a call from someone I do not like, it goes straight to voice mail. When they do, I will then accept it as a “Smart Phone.”

   1 Hairspray and 2 tons of make up still dont replace brain!!!

   I think the american people should be allowed to show the BP executives and some of these clowns in our government just what a true "JUNK SHOT" is

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!