Funny Status Messages

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition

   When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like "Damn, where you get all them cards?"

   Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We'll take care of that. Me: And...the other thing? Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn't mean they are willing to take your kids.

   Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

   Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

   I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

   “What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

   They are choosing a man over the country. That isn't patriotism. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

   Funniest thing about all of this is the fact that some people still stick up for him.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   If only he listened to his wife's "be best" campaign, then he wouldn't be in that predicament he's in now.

   Let me guess. The whistleblower is un patriotic because he was doing what he thought is right for the country, not blind loyalty.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.