Funny Status Messages

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

   [Dinner at Arby's] Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home Me: Ahh memories

   [Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

   Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election?

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.

   My horoscope today just said "NOPE"

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.

   "Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"

   WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of nancy peelosi" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of nancy peelosi.

   Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.

   The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit

   There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.