Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

   's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!

   ..what makes Monday mornings so tolerable is my favourite mug filled with coffee and familiar faces filled with gossip..

   I don't really know you , and I dont know how I added you to my facebook, but it says its your birthday today and to wish you happy birthday , so happy birthday mutha F@%$#&

   In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

   I'm more attractive when I'm sober, but I doubt I would want to sleep with you then

   You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant...

   There's always a truth behind "JUST KIDDING", a little emotion behind "I DON'T CARE", a little pain behind "IT'S OKAY", a little "I NEED U" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE

   Awww! Isn't that sweet. Everyone's so in love from Facebook how long thats going to last.. like in relationship but its complicated WTF

   Had my accupuncture appointment earlier this afternoon, I discovered that I had to pee after about the 10th needle was put in me

   Lakers...Celtics....Lakers......Celtics...............um....Lakers.....Celtics............WHEN DA HELL DOES FOOTBALL season start!!!

   How many days should you wait, before you tell your buddy that you didn't get the message, that he needed help moving?

   99 donuts cause the B!tch ate one

   The Skirt, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass!!

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   Has just left his next instalment on his payback trail at the local BP. Thats right BP, you thought you made a mess. Wait till you get a LOAD of me..thats right, UPPER DECKER