Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   with all the engineers trying to stop the leak in the gulf, has anyone tried to contact someone with some basic plumbing skills???

   wishes more businesses would check their signs for mistakes. There is a HUGE difference in "Closed for remodeling" and " Closed for remolding."

   we all live on the same planet but we're all in our own worlds..

   has come up with a solution to the oil spill .........auqaman(finally he can be useful)

   women are like parkingspots . All the good ones are taken... and the rest is for handicaped people ...

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

   I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one

   The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere

   Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, not with a redhead.

   Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

   My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine

   Aspire to inspire before you expire.

   Ever notice no matter how hard you try, you still say Reese's PEECIES instead of pieces?

   Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food web so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's when the zombie apocolypse comes in...

   Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little.

   With all the police and medical shows taking over primetime TV, you figured one could skip all of college to be in the field of criminal justice and medical.

   Never question a woman's mood. Question her motive.

   my mother always taught me to lick it before I stick it