Funny Status Messages

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.

   Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   *brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

   Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

   Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.