Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how mad are you?

   Usually when a President has a highway named after him he is already dead. I guess the people of Orlando have ESP?

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.

   all about sharing...I'll eat the hotdog if you eat the bun

   eating carrots and watching porn. Something *seriously* went wrong with my weekend

   there's no "I" in gang bang

   Funny....I don't remember eating corn...?

   - Thankfull its only blood. Thought I was a tomato!!!

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........

   You can't say your girlfriend is a multi-tasker but she likes gangbangs!

   Heavy, stationary objects keep running into my bare feet...How many times do I have to stub my toes before these things learn to get out of my way?

   Don't talk about yourself so much in front of some friends... they do it when you leave

   If they made hats the size of some peoples brains they would be wearing a peanut shell.

   When things sound reasonable ~ its time to up my medication.

   Brush your teeth or please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   Some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

   Women are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to buy them, a club to kill them and a spade to bury them

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they will all think your on drugs!!