Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

   I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

   Well, at least the war on the environment is going well...

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   I try to be tolerant but then other people go and mess it up.

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   I wish I could chop off my fat with a knife, I would rather endure that than a workout!

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   It's true, our country sucks at soccer....but at least our kids aren't starving!

   smelling the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road.....

   wondering why American sports use terms like "world series" when no other countries play.

   “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

   Back to your bridge you evil troll.... your powers dont work here!

   My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

   thanks dad for not pulling out.! Happy fathers day!!