Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.

   He's doing a fabulous job of destroying the economy that president Obama left him. Tremendous job!

   If I learned anything from our great president, it's that I should abandon all my allies and embrace all my enemies.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   Why are there 400 bills just sitting on that turtle, McConnell's desk? Talk about do nothing.

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.