Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.

   Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”