Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   my head says no, my heart says yes an my stomach say cheesebruger no pickles, with jus a lil bit of mustard...

   bragging about having sex with you wife is like bragging that I just gave myself the best handjob

   Relationships are like cul-de-sacs once you get deep in you have to make a U-Turn

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

   Will the person who keeps the electronic eye attatched to the toilets real sensative, please quit. I want to use the bathroom, not a bidet.

   never play leapfrog with a unicorn

   Husband gets "I Love You" tattooed on his penis. He goes home to show his wife. His wife says "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth"

   Love is best when it overflows freely from the heart, rather than you having to reach in to get your fill.

   McDonalds faces potential lawsuit over happy meal. It contends that serving toys with unhealthy food is predatory. Where was this group when Micheal Jackson was alive?

   going to give my pillow some head :0) and my sheets some ass.!! G"night!!!

   Forget a 5 star chick... I rather have a 6 flag chick... More flags more fun!!!

   so we are all in the basement watching Dora. And, Dora and Boots can not figure out how to get pass this big red line when Max (10 yr old) says, "It's the border Dora! You are not supposed to cross it!"

   Attention bullies: if you're looking for lunch money, there are tons of nerds hoarding around outside Apple Stores right now.

   Why they play football while there is a Vuvuzela concert?This is Rude

   Change is good..especially if you wear diapers!

   I hate it when you go to bed and you finally convince yourself that the spot on the wall is just a piece of dirt or something, and then it totally starts crawling towards you!

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn.

   When I post a good status message that gets lots of comments, I feel like I just rode a bull for 8 seconds at the rodeo

   If "Vampire In Brooklyn" had been a bigger hit, we could have all lived the rest of our lives without these damn "Twilight" movies .