Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tired of all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my p*nis, especially since I am a woman, so I have forward them to my exhusband

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis

   Whats the difference between arrogant and ignorant? Brithish and Welsh

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   Man made alcohol, God made marijuana, who are you going to trust?

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   all I want is a comfy bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   Osama Bin Ladin has announced he's giving up. It's too tough to compete with B.P

   What is the difference between the English soccer team and an albatross? An albatross has 2 good wings.