Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   Vegetarians don't eat meat but they want their food to look like meat. Got it.

   Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

   I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.

   How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti: Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

   [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

   Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

   Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?