BEGO Funny Status Messages

   I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...

   I've never smoked Hookah, but I've been told it tastes exactly like not getting laid.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so I can start getting some s$it done.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.

   Sorry, I'm really bad at returning calls and texts." = "Um yeah, I just don't want to talk to you."

   Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I'm dead. Physically: I smile.

   I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!

   Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.

   Ladies, most of the time us guy are like placemats. We only show up when there's food on the table.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   Dear Someone: I miss you so damn much!

   They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.

   They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.

   I bet if Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would have eaten the snake and not the apple.

   A slut is fun in everyone's bed. A good girlfriend is only a slut in yours.

   My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.