Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Suppose I should get a girlfriend. Yep, I'm almost out of cologne.

   My poor girlfriend. She's been sick every morning so far this week. I hope she starts to feel better.

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.

   wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then

   when the smog clears in Los Angeles, UCLA...

   breaking news! Suicidal twin kills sister by accident!

   If we arent meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   They are making a Mexican version of the ‘Sound of the Music'? Sombrer over the mountain…..

   Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. And if you piss him off, you go to a place full of fire and burning and torture and anguish. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   I'm not sure If I just pulled a groin muscle working out, but I am walking funny and I sound like Mike Tyson...

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   Why do they put slow cashiers on the speedy checkouts?

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   Just heard kings of Leon cancelled a show cause their lead singer took a load of pigeon s%$t right in his mouth. Haha. Take a hint, even the pigeons think ur fricking sh$#ty!! Get off the stage.....

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...

   Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 on those little bottles of Evian water?.. Try spelling Evian backwards.