Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   I hire the best people! No one can accidentally butt-dial reporters like my people do!

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   Impeachment is not only constitutional, but also golden.

   When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.

   I think Cinderella purposely left her shoe at the castle just like Side Chicks always seem to be leaving their panties.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?

   Things I learned the hard way in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."

   "Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat