Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Congratulations to #FACEAPP for making eleventy billion dollars in 24 hours by making us look older on purpose.

   I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   If I ever choke to death eating these gummy bears will one of you please do me a favor and just post on my wall "He was killed by bears!" and just leave it at that.

   Now IKEA is closing its plant and moving to Europe. So much winning....

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room

   If they would raid a job fair like area 51 ..nahhh that will not happen.

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   Antifa .. same party, same tactics, different hood

   All gave some. Some gave all. One had bone spurs.

   Space aliens are taking our jobs. This is why we need to ransack Area 51.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.

   No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

   1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”