Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   two blondes walk into a bar... you would think one of them would of saw it

   The U.S military has plans for attacking Iran according to the Joint Chief of Staff. For details, go to Wikileaks.org

   The BP spill is now officially the worst spill in history.. surpassing Monica Lewinsky's dress.

   I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

   I think if a player wants more money because he "outplayed his contract", then pay him more if he hasn't been getting into trouble. But, put in a clause stating if he "under plays his contract" team able to reduce his pay accordingly. Injuries aside.

   is watching "according to Jim"...god definatly took the wrong Belushi

   I'm a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.

   Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

   Just heard that Snooki was picked up by police for disorderly conduct.. apparently she was caught "orange-handed"

   It's only 9AM and today is already filled with suck.

   never make someone a priority in your life when you are only any option

   our lives are shaped by those who love us, and by those who refuse to love us

   who you love is a reflection of how you love yourself...

   currently kicking a hornet's nest. (i have a feeling this gonna end badly)

   Do homeless people get knock knock jokes???

   Huh?! Me fail english? UNPOSSIBLE!!

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.