Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BBC News: "Plus size women worth $10 billion to the fashion industry." Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

   Sugar daddy: Like a genie - he may be a little old, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes.

   Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.

   Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.

   I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?

   “Hey. What do I do again?” -- Me greeting my boss every Monday morning.

   That truck driver just double bogeyed that par 2 parking spot.

   No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   Sober is the new BUZZ!!