Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 575 of 6446

LSU ranked #1. Bama fans ain't been this mad since they moved the Sudafed behind the counter at Walmart.
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11-04-2019 19:28
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Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?
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11-04-2019 12:37
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The fabrications of criminality are laughable! Finally, your folks are heading for court and prison.
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11-04-2019 08:39
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I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.
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11-04-2019 05:49
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*gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*
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11-04-2019 05:47
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Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
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11-04-2019 05:46
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"doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
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11-04-2019 05:41
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
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11-04-2019 05:40
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct
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11-04-2019 04:37
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I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
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11-04-2019 04:36
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.
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11-04-2019 04:35
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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11-04-2019 04:35
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car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%
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11-04-2019 04:35
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.
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11-04-2019 04:34
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Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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11-04-2019 04:34
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waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.
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11-04-2019 04:33
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast? Toddler: yes. Me: manners? Toddler: no thank you.
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11-04-2019 04:33
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7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea.
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11-04-2019 04:32
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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11-04-2019 04:32
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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11-04-2019 04:32
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