Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

   if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing

   Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

   PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

   Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.

   Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.

   That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.

   LSU ranked #1. Bama fans ain't been this mad since they moved the Sudafed behind the counter at Walmart.

   Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?

   The fabrications of criminality are laughable! Finally, your folks are heading for court and prison.

   I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.

   "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.