Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis

   Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

   My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...

   wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*

   I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport

   Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.

   Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.

   Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

   [a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

   I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

   Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.

   What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...

   Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice

   Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.

   If Meth could stand up straight, put on dirty clothes, take drugs, date its cousin and sing crappy music, it would look like Kid Rock.

   idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her