Funny Status Messages

   Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.

   I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

   I don't know how life is as a super hot chick. However, I have played a lot of video games and it must be similar to when you became invincible to everything in your path for 10 seconds. Just replace 10 seconds with "your entire life."

   Put your seatbelt on I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

   I wonder if off-duty cops slow down when they see a cop car.

   I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.

   When I try to get the picture taken of me and my friends all nicely facing the camera, one person always blinks, another looks like a stroke victim and a third looks like she was just goosed. Come on girls, figure it out - smile and hold the pose.

   What the hell are you supposed to do while the whole room is singing you happy birthday. Just smile? sing along? dance?

   Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?

   Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.

   Even though I can drive a car, there is still something that makes driving a golf cart so awesome.

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to say ‘make love' without using a funny voice. I usually go with the deep, Spanish accent.

   I'm not quite sure why online chat services decided it would be a good idea to tell you when the other person is typing. Most of the time I'm just anxiously thinking, "Why is it taking you so long to write one f*cking sentence!?"

   My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.