Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

   From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"

   I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

   Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe. Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

   parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

   instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

   What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ??

   Anyone who thinks Donald Trump represents God has a very low opinion of God.

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   You still talk to your ex? I call BS on that!

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   I can't believe we have a president that had sex with porn stars and wants a space army, and I still hate him.